Pasta

“Hey, Andre,” Gordy called from the door of his office. “Come over here; I need to talk to you.”

Andre said a few words to his sous-chef before walking across the kitchen to the restaurant manager’s office, wiping his hands on his nearly floor-length apron as he went. When he was within arm’s reach of Gordy, he asked “What’s this about, then?” in his unusual not-quite-British-but-not-quite-American accent.

“Just come inside, will ya?” Gordy said, motioning with head.

With annoyance clearly written across his face, Andre stepped inside the small office. He took the only seat opposite the desk, the chair creaking as he sat down. Gordy sat behind the desk, removed his glasses, and looked at his computer screen. After a second or two he put his glasses back on and turned to face Andre.

“Andre,” he said, choosing his words carefully, “I’ve got to talk to you about your new menu items.”

Andre did not appear surprised. “Have there been complaints?” he asked in a way that made Gordy think he already knew the answer.

“As a matter of fact,” Gordy said, his thick Brooklyn accent flavoring every syllable, “there have. I know you said you wanted to experiment with some of the dishes, but we still gotta serve food people want to eat.”

“We still serve food that the uncultured and insipid will recognize,” Andre said, haughtily. “I am simply interpreting a scant few dishes in new ways. Few geniuses are recognized during their lifetimes, so I expected just as much of a negative reaction.”

Despite trying to be diplomatic, Gordy rolled his eyes slightly at the word “genius.” If people hadn’t been coming to the restaurant because of its famous chef, Andre Spicoli, Gordy wouldn’t be nearly so nice. Gordy had been a restaurant manager all around New York for the last twenty years and had seen plenty of chefs become popular, but never like Andre. The restaurant owner, Tom Jones (no, not that one), had promised Andre the chance to experiment with the menu—along with a big pay increase—if he left his job and came to work at Casa di cibi e bevande. Andre spent his first year simply refining what was already on the menu and the public loved it. Andre and Gordy had disagreed here or there about ingredients or plating, but the past year had really been a smooth one, all things considered. Now, Andre was doing brand new stuff, but … well, people didn’t like it.

“Fine, kid,” Gordy said, stroking his greying goatee, “you know better than the simpletons, but they’re the ones keeping us open. I’ve gotten multiple comment cards about the lasagna.”

Andre perked up a little. He leaned slightly forward in his chair, his bulky frame causing it to creak some more. “And what have they said?”

“They said it tasted off. People aren’t going to order it again or tell their friends about it if doesn’t taste right.”

“What was the exact wording they used to describe it?” Andre asked. “Was it ‘off’?”

Gordy sighed. He took his glasses off and turned to his left and read a few comments on his computer. “Uh, the word most of them use is ‘funny.’”

“Ha!” Andre exclaimed, a condescending grin on his face. “Then they experienced exactly what I intended!”

“You actually wanted to make food that people would think tastes weird?” Gordy asked, genuinely surprised.

“Not weird; funny. It’s a comedic interpretation of lasagna.”

Gordy was dumbfounded. He honestly had not expected this. He put his glasses on and looked at the large, blond man sitting across the desk from him. “Huh?”

“As you know,” Andre said, more than a little smugly “Mr. Jones has allowed me to try new interpretations with some of the dishes. Artists across other mediums have taken classics and reworked them, so why not me? The Scream has been repainted to include famous icons and I have seen several of the Bard’s tragedies retold as comedies. I am simply taking the same approach with my art.”

Gordy never liked it when chefs called themselves “artists”; artists aren’t known for having to clock-in. “Who’s ‘the Bart’?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

This time it was Andre’s turn to roll his eyes. “Shakespeare.”

“Look,” Gordy said, ignoring the eye-roll, “we ain’t a theater. We’ve gotta feed people what they want.”

“They don’t know what they want,” Andre said, turning his nose up slightly. “If we only fed people what they thought they wanted, we’d be serving nothing but deep-fried butter and candied sugar-cubes. Food can be so much more and I’m allowing our guest to discover that.”

“Okay,” Gordy said, both annoyed and curious, “what else did you do? What other ‘interpretations’ have made?”

“Why don’t I ask you: what are people saying about the fettuccine Alfredo?”

Gordy looked at Andre for a long moment, the look on his face clearly conveying his thoughts: You’ve got to be kidding me. Eventually, he swiveled around and took his glasses off to read some more comments. “Alright, this lady says it was ‘flat and lifeless’ and this guy says it was ‘boring.’ Marty Sipowitz, one of our regulars, says he was ‘unsatisfied.’” Gordy put on his glasses and turned back to face Andre, who was looking as arrogant as ever. “Let me guess: that was on purpose.”

“Indeed!” Andre said, his pale face slowly getting red with excitement. “May I assume you are unfamiliar with the feeling of ennui?”

“‘On we’?” Gordy repeated, his features crumpled in confusion.

“Ennui is the feeling of boredom, listlessness; of being unable to find satisfaction; and I provided that experience through a plate of pasta.”

Gordy leaned back and threw his hands in the air. “Because heaven forbid our customers actually enjoy their meals!” He shut his eyes, pointed his face towards the ceiling, and took a few deep breaths. He looked back at Andre and asked “What’s next?”

“Take a look at the tiramisu,” Andre said.

Gordy turned back to his computer screen. He scrolled through the comments and started nodding his head. “Okay, we’re getting a better reaction with this one.”

“And what are the people saying?” Andre asked as he looked down at his fingernails.

“They’re saying it’s ‘exciting’ and ‘unexpected.’ Meghan Carmichael, another regular, said she was ‘thrilled’ by the new recipe. What were you going for, an action movie?”

Andre actually looked a little disappointed (which Gordy thought was a nice change of pace). “No,” he said, “that was a passionate romance between the ingredients. I wanted guests to fall in love with it.”

“Well, why don’t you do that for everything?!” Gordy asked, shocked he even needed to ask such an obvious question. This whole conversation felt like he was talking to his good-for-nothing son-in-law: both he and Andre thought they knew better, despite reason (and Gordy) telling them otherwise.

“How droll,” Andre said. “I might consider a love triangle of sorts, but I’m not interested in people experiencing the same emotion with each dish. After all, if we never had any raining days, we wouldn’t appreciate the sunshine.”

“What’s next, horror?” Gordy asked, sarcastically.

Andre looked intrigued. “I honestly hadn’t thought of that one. I might try that out with the calamari.”

Gordy decided he had heard enough of this garbage. “Look,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose, “we can’t have customers not enjoying their food. Are you going to change the menu or do I need call Tom up?”

“No need,” Andre said, his ego cranked to eleven. “I had each of the new recipes approved by Mr. Jones himself.”

“We both know that’s a crock,” Gordy said, nearly laughing at the thought of Tom Jones (again, not that one) approving such a cockamamie idea.

“Very well,” Andre said, “call and ask him yourself.

“Ha!” Gordy laughed. He decided to call Andre’s bluff. “It’s your funeral, kid.” He picked up the handset of the office phone and hit the speed-dial button to Tom’s cell. A short time later, Gordy had him on the line. “Hi, Tom. Yeah, it’s Gordy… Oh, fine… Uh, Tony G. said the mozzarella will be late this week… Friday morning at the latest… Yeah…” Gordy glanced back at Andre, who looked like he was waiting for a punchline, only he was the one telling the joke. “No, we dropped Dom for eggplant… Yeah, we still get tomatoes from him, but I got a better deal on eggplant from Diane… I wish! No, Diane Feldman… Yeah, I’ll let you know. Anyway, I was calling about these new menu items that Andre debuted this weekend. He said you approved everything… Oh?” Gordy looked at Andre who had somehow found a way to look even smugger. “I see… Well, people are leaving comment cards and a lot them ain’t positive… A whole month?… Yeah… No, I get that… Understood… Alright, see you Monday. Bye.” He hung up the phone, pausing with his hand still on the receiver as it rested in its cradle. He finally looked up and found Andre still in his seat (Gordy had half-expected for Andre to have transformed into a being of pure arrogance).

“Believe me now?” Andre asked.

“You’ve got a month to prove that those dishes deserve to be on the menu,” Gordy said, defeated. “If you’re wanting an apology, you can forget it.”

“That won’t be necessary,” Andre said, standing up. He opened the door, but paused in the doorway before stepping out. “If you don’t mind, I would like to experiment with the pasta bolognaise, with you as inspiration.”

“Oh, yeah?” Gordy said sarcastically. “What’s it supposed to taste like, failure?”

Andre thought for a moment. “No,” he said, “I was thinking ‘shortsighted’ would be appropriate.” Then he walked back to the kitchen to oversee the prep work for the coming night.

Text

[03/27/2018 07:36 PM EST]
FindADate.com: Karen_the_Baron liked your profile picture!

[03/27/2018 07:38 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Hey.
I liked your picture.
Your dog looks really sweet.

[03/27/2018 07:41 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
thx
he was

[03/27/2018 07:43 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Oh, I didn’t realize he passed.
I can understand why you still use that picture. I have Labradoodle, Jojo.
He’s so adorable!

[03/27/2018 07:44 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
thats nice
dogs are great
u like movies
?

[03/27/2018 07:45 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Mostly, but it depends what kind.

[03/27/2018 07:45 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
u wanna see a movie friday
?

[03/27/2018 07:47 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Maybe. What do you have in mind?

[03/27/2018 07:47 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
zombie

[03/27/2018 07:48 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Uh, I’m not really a fan of zombie movies.
What about that new disaster movie?

[03/27/2018 07:49 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
oh, you meant waht movie
lol
the disaster movie is ok

[03/27/2018 07:50 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Huh?
Were you making a joke? I don’t get it.

[03/27/2018 07:53 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
u asked waht i had in mind
im actually an immortal spaceworm and i burrowed into the brain of my host
i only just gained control of the language functions

[03/27/2018 07:54 PM EST
Karen_the_Baron:
You have a weird sense of humor. I like that.
My last boyfriend was kind of boring, so I’m ready for something different.
You know what I mean?

[03/27/2018 07:56 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
yes i understand
u r very precise with ur texting
i like that

[03/27/2018 07:59 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Yeah, I make sure to type everything out properly.
I teach high school English, so I try my best to practice what I preach.
Some guys get intimidated by me being so “precise,” as you put it.

[03/27/2018 08:01 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
they r dum
it is a sign of higher brain function

[03/27/2018 08:01 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
LOL! I guess.
You’re really committing to this “brain slug” thing, eh?

[03/27/2018 08:02 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
spaceworm
yes

[03/27/2018 08:03 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
OK, I can play along.
Are you going to try to take over my brain, too?

[03/27/2018 08:05 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
yes
sort of
my species is hermaphroditic
i want to plant an offspring in your brain

[03/27/2018 08:06 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
I bet you say that to all the girls. ;-)

[03/27/2018 08:07 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
no
the other females ive been in contact with r not as intelligent as u
ur brain is bigger
juicier

[03/27/2018 08:08 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Aww! That’s really nice!
Most guys just compliment me on how I look.
I like that you looked beyond that.

[03/27/2018 08:09 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
ur face is pretty but ur brain makes you beautiful

[03/27/2018 08:10 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
*swoon*
You really know how to sweet talk a girl!

[03/27/2018 08:11 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
STAY AWAY!

[03/27/2018 08:14 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Huh?

[03/27/2018 08:17 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
This is Doug. The REAL Doug.
Some kind of parasite has taken over my body.
I don’t know how long I’ll be in control. If you come in contact with me, you’ll
be in danger of having your mind controlled too.
This is not a bit or a joke or anything.
Stay away!

[03/27/2018 08:18 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Uh…?

[03/27/2018 08:21 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
sorry
im back now
ignore those last few texts

[03/27/2018 08:22 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
LOL!
You’re pretty clever!
I like how you changed your writing style to be the “host.”

[03/27/2018 08:23 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
yes
it was a joke
so r we on for friday
?

[03/27/2018 08:25 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Yeah. You’ve certainly got me intrigued.
Which theater do you want to meet at?

[03/27/2018 08:26 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
can we meet at the 1 on franklin ave
?

[03/27/2018 08:27 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Yeah, but that one’s kind of far for me. Can you do the one on Pine?

[03/27/2018 08:28 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
ok
theres a showing at 850
will that work
?

[03/27/2018 08:30 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Is that IMAX?

[03/27/2018 08:32 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
no
thats regular

[03/27/2018 08:34 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Can we see it in IMAX? :-D
Please?

[03/27/2018 08:35 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
i guess
if im paying for imax u better kiss me at the end of the night
so i can implant you with my offspring

[03/27/2018 08:37 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
You nearly broke character there!
As for your concern: OK :-)
You’re nice, but also a little feisty. I like that!

[03/27/2018 08:38 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
thx
the imax showing on friday is at 1010

[03/27/2018 08:40 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
Great! I can’t wait!

[03/27/2018 08:41 PM EST]
#1SFGiantsFan:
great
ill meet u at the theater on pine on friday about 20 before showtime
remember u owe me a kiss

[03/27/2018 08:43 PM EST]
Karen_the_Baron:
If you treat me right, who knows what can happen. ;-)

Above is a transcript of the conversation leading up to the nearly complete annihilation of mankind. After years of research, the parasite outbreak was tracked back to the case above, though it is still unknown how Douglas Scott first became infected. Contrary to what was previously thought, the first victim, Karen Thomas, made initial contact with the parasite, through a dating website.