Friday, April 11, 2014

New Arrival

“I don’t belong here!” cried the new addition to the Prison.

“Yeah?” asked the nearby guard, sarcastically.  “Nobody else belongs here, neither.  I’ll be sure to let the boss man know right away.”

“I mean it,” the prisoner continued.  “I’m not a bad guy.  I wasn’t supposed to end up here.”

The guard sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.  He’d seen this reaction countless times before, but he decided to go easy on the guy.  “Look, I ain’t the Judge.  You’re here because you belong here, at least according to Him.  Look at bright side: you won’t be here forever.”

“I know you must have heard this sort of thing from other inmates before, but I really have to talk to someone with some authority on the matter.  The judge made a mistake.”

The guard could stop himself from laughing.  “Ha!  Mistake?  No, sorry, buddy but the Judge don’t make mistakes.  But if you want to talk to somebody, I’ll send somebody over.  Seriously though, save yourself the trouble and just make peace with your situation, it’ll just make it easier.”

The guard continued on his way.  Sometime later there was a knock on the prisoner’s cell and a tall man with dark hair and a warm, grandfatherly smile walked in.  "Hello. It’s Gregory, right?  You wanted to speak to someone about your Judgment?”

“Yeah, that’s right.  And, uh, call me Greg.”

“It’s nice to meet you Greg,” said the tall, grinning man.  He sat down on the single chair facing Greg, who took a seat on his bed.  “My name is Thomas, but you can call me Tommy.  How can I help you?”

“As I was telling the guard,” Greg said, “I don’t belong here.  I’m not a bad guy.”

“I’m afraid that’s not what your file says.  Multiple counts of tax evasion, embezzlement, and drug use are just a few of the items mentioned.  Why would you be exempt from punishment?”

“So I made a few mistakes.  Nobody’s perfect.  And shouldn’t you have my file with you if we’re talking about it?”

“I read through it earlier,” Tommy said, “and since I have a photographic memory, I didn’t see the need to bring the physical record.  And you aren’t here because you’re imperfect; if that were the case, I’d be here, too.  But you still have to make amends before you’re granted your freedom.”

“But isn’t there some other way?” Greg pleaded.  “I mean, I didn’t even think a place like this existed until a few days ago when I ended up here.”

“Not believing in the existence of something doesn’t make it any less real.  No, Greg, you’re here because you always justified your actions.  An extra drink on the weekend was okay because you were stressed out.  A lie to hide your gambling from the authorities was fine because you weren’t hurting anyone involved.  Going through multiple marriages and affairs because you were too passionate for one person.  You never changed and you convinced yourself that you didn’t need to.  I’m very sorry, but your sentence is just.”

Greg was shocked at how thorough his file was, but not enough stop him from replying with a rebuttal.  “What about all of the good that I did?  I volunteered at the Community Center for a while, I was a professor at a University where I shaped young minds, I even donated to charity.  Surely that means that my sentence is too harsh.”

Tommy nodded.  “That was all taken into account when your judgment was passed.  You have to remember that doing good doesn’t make up for doing bad.  Also, what were your motivations for the things you did?  You worked at the Community Center so you’d have some volunteer work to put on your college application.  You were a professor, yes, but you never really cared about your students; you often had your assistant both teach and grade assignments, you just oversaw everything.  And you gave to charity for tax breaks.  You only ever did anything if it benefited you.”

Greg was really at a loss for what to do.  Did he really have to accept his fate?  There had to be something else he could do.  Tommy seemed to sense his hopelessness and spoke up.

“Your time spent here can be put to good use.  You can develop your talents, take some classes to build new skills, or study and learn new things.  Have you had a chance to look over the orientation material yet?”

Greg looked at him confused, then grabbed a large orange envelope.  “Are you talking about this? It just has, like, a Bible and a study guide in it.”

“That’s a bit simplified, but yes, that’s the basic idea.  You should read up.  It’ll help you become better adjusted.”  Tommy stood up from the chair.  “Well, that does it for me.  If you have any more questions, try your orientation material first, but I’ll be happy to come and speak with you if need some additional help.”  He extended his hand to Greg, who shook it reluctantly.

“I still don’t think I should be here,” Greg grumbled.

“No, I don’t suppose you do,” replied Tommy, still with a warm smile “but you wouldn’t be happy 'upstairs,' either.  People are far too selfless for your tastes: I’m certain that it would really annoy you, at least the way you are now.  I’m sure I’ll see you again soon, Greg.” With that, Tommy left and Greg was alone to reflect on what had been said.  Without anyone else around and deprived of his usual distractions and vices, Greg’s thoughts were nearly deafening.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Contact

The following is the newly declassified transcript of the US government's first and only known encounter with extra-terrestrial life.

DATE: 14 June 1947, 0921
LOCATION: Outside of Roswell Army Airfield (RAAF)

CAPT [redacted]: Base, this is Capt [redacted]. Over.

RAAF: [redacted], this is Base. We copy. Over.

CAPT [redacted]: I'm picking up some weird fluctuations on my radio. Any idea what it might be? Over.

RAAF: What kind of fluctuations? Over.

CAPT [redacted]: Well, it sounds like woman's voice softly repeating a word again and again. Over.

RAAF: You're probably just picking up another channel. Over.

CAPT [redacted]: I thought that, but it's coming in over multiple channels. Plus, it's coming in clearer than your signal. Over.

RAAF: Are you hearing it now on this channel? Over.

CAPT [redacted]: Affirmative. Over.

RAAF: Well, what's the lady saying? Over.

CAPT [redacted]: Uh, I wouldn't call her a lady. She keeps saying[redacted]. Over.

RAAF: You're kidding me. Over.

CAPT [redacted]: [Laughs] That's a big negative. I told you, I can hear her clearer than I can hear you. Over.

RAAF: I'd tell you to ignore it but if the signal is strong enough to be heard loud and clear over multiple channels then it could compromise our communications. See if you contact her back and tell her get off her radio and clean up that mouth of hers. Over.

CAPT [redacted]: Roger. I'll switch to an empty channel to initiate contact, leaving this channel open for normal comm. Over.

[2.35 MINUTES PASS]

CAPT [redacted]: Base, do you copy? Over.

RAAF: This is base. I copy. Over.

CAPT [redacted]: I contacted the woman on the radio as advised. She responded but she said that she lost track of a probe and asked if I had seen it. I really have no idea how to respond. Over.

RAAF: She said that she lost a probe? Ask her to describe it. Over.

CAPT [redacted]: Roger. Over.

[0.55 MINUTES PASS]

CAPT [redacted]: She described the probe as disk shaped and bright silver. She said it should be flying in the area. Can we make her cut this non-sense out? Over.

RAAF: [redacted], you said that she said there should be a flying disc in the area? Can you confirm? Over.

CAPT [redacted]: Affirmative, but what does it matter? It's all hogwash. Over.

RAAF: Capt [redacted], we have unconfirmed reports in the area of a, quote, "unidentified flying object" that's been described as, quote, "saucer-shaped." Is this woman claiming responsibility for it? Over.

CAPT [redacted]: Uh, I think so. Base, what's going on? Over.

RAAF: Too soon to say. Contact her again, but stay on this channel this time. Ask her to increase her signal so that we can pick it up here. Over.

CAPT [redacted]: Roger. Contacting, eh, the unknown woman on the radio. Please increase signal strength of radio broadcast.

UNKNOWN: Is this better?

CAPT [redacted]: Base, did you hear that one? Over.

RAAF: Affirmative, [redacted]. Over.

CAPT [redacted]: Yes, we hear you. How did you know about the aircraft that was spotted today? Over.

UNKNOWN: I told you, it's my probe. So you've found it?

CAPT [redacted]: Please explain the purpose of the probe. Over.

UNKNOWN: I sent the probe down to gather information, but I lost contact with it. I think I forgot to charge the battery. I do that sometimes. I was able to get enough data to plug into my translator. That's how we're able to communicate. But you've found my probe?

CAPT [redacted]: I don't know. What do you mean, "translator?" You a Jap? Over.

UNKNOWN: No, I'm a Xendarian. I'm from a planet similar to yours but my star is a bit larger. I was sent on a peaceful mission to see if your people are interested in interstellar travel.

CAPT [redacted]: Get serious. You expect me to believe you're an alien? Over.

UNKNOWN: Tell me Capt [redacted], how can I have superior radio equipment to you? Also, your people on the ground didn't detect any unaccounted for aircraft in the area and yet my probe was clearly seen. Either I'm from a planet more advanced than yours or I'm using secret technology to play games with you. And before you ask if I'm hostile, if I'm as advanced as I say, you'd already be dead if I wanted you to be. I will be happy to land my ship and explain everything, I simply want to retrieve my probe first.

RAAF: This is the Roswell Army Airfield. We have collected the probe but it suffered heavy damage in a crash. It's mostly wreckage. Over.

UNKNOWN: [Sighs] That's disappointing. Well, I'll still collect what's left. I'll let you know when I'm ready to land.

CAPT [redacted]: This is all so strange. I must ask, why did you keep repeating that obscenity earlier? Over.

UNKNOWN: What do you mean? I was using inappropriate language?

CAPT [redacted]: You kept saying [redacted]. Over.

UNKNOWN: Yes, that's my name. I don't like having my translator find an equivalent in your language. I had tried to contact my probe with all of my other communications equipment but that didn't work so I tried calling out my name on different radio frequencies. Every Xendarian probe is programed to return when it hears its owners voice call his or her own name.

CAPT [redacted]: Your name is [redacted]? Over.

UNKNOWN: Yes. I've always liked it. What does it mean in your language? I haven't had a chance to look it up yet.

CAPT [redacted]: It means [redacted]. Over.

UNKNOWN: That's disgusting! How could you twist around such a nice name into THAT! You know what? Forget it. I'll mark you down as uninterested in our services. You don't deserve our tech. I'm out of here. Keep the probe for all I care.

CAPT [redacted]: Hello? [redacted], do you copy? Over.

RAAF: Her signal's gone dead. Over.

CAPT [redacted]: Base, what just happened? Over.

RAAF: I have no idea. No way General [redacted]'s going to believe this. Over.

CAPT [redacted]: I don't believe it and I was here! Do you think this one's going to be classified, just to cover up how weird this whole thing was, like with [redacted]? Over.

RAAF: Probably. Now head back to base. I have a feeling we'll need to debrief. Over.

CAPT [redacted]: Roger wilco. Over and out.

END OF TRANSCRIPT